“And Mom and Dad are the ones you can blame”

“And Mom and Dad are the ones you can blame”*

At what point do you stop trying for approval?

Me and my mother have never really seen eye to eye. We see each other fairly regularly and when we do I’m civil. But it’s not a traditional mother/daughter relationship, not really.

We don’t tell each other about everything in our lives, in fact she’s often the last person that springs to mind when I’m upset or have news. I never call her just to chat, the thought of spending time alone with her generally makes me feel uneasy and overly anxious.

She’s an advocate of ‘tough love’ she’s not one to hand out affection either physically or verbally. I’m very tactile and feel if you don’t convey feelings to people then how will they ever know?

I’m very independent and hardly ever turn to others for anything. She likes to be the hero, to be able to solve everything for everyone.

Long story short: we clash.

I know it’s cliche and I’m not trying to blame anything on her. We are very different people – different personalities, views, beliefs, tastes and styles. 

Sometimes I feel down about our lack of relationship, particularly when I see her with my siblings. Weirdly, I don’t feel jealous, it’s more a sadness because I know we will never have that and in some ways I feel like we should.

More recently the sadness is being tinged with anger and frustration.

My entire adult life I’ve lived under her scrutiny and criticism. Although I’m not a people pleaser by nature, I’ve always tried in small ways to have an influence, to help my mother accept me. I love her and I don’t doubt that she loves me, she just struggles with who I am. I’m like no one else in her world, she finds me extreme, my beliefs are laughable to her and my views are always ‘wrong’.

But recently, it’s growing a little thin. My efforts are thrown back in my face and she makes no attempt to improve out relationship. 

Maybe she’s happy with it… though if her attitude towards me and my life is any kind of indicator then it’s impossible to see how she could be.

Maybe she sees me as a lost cause, not worth the effort to repair or enhance. In some ways I can’t blame her if she does, I’m starting to lean that way myself.

I don’t know if I have the energy to repair this. I don’t know if I want to. 

I don’t want to be just another anxious depressive with ‘mummy issues’ it just seems like another cliche. That’s all I am, just one big walking cliche that my mother had the misfortune to birth.

RGW

*”Homecoming” Green Day… thank you for the words.