“But I want it and I need it”*
It’s a curse – my addictive personality.
Once I find a vague interest in something I find hard, sometimes impossible, to stop myself becoming obsessed in it.
It’s devouring.
It’s all consuming.
I’ve kicked addictions before; life controlling habits, behaviours, substances. Sober for almost a year (if we ignore the very minor relapse the other week) alcohol was never a real addiction but it was on the verge. Sometimes I wonder how I would function if I didn’t have an addiction in my life. Of course there are short periods where I’m free of the compulsions but I always find something new.
My addictions aren’t always traditional, the subject of my addiction isn’t always damaging in terms of the abstract sense of what it is. For example, it could be an addiction to the colour red. Red, in itself, isn’t going to cause me to over dose, having too much colour red isn’t going damage my body on its own like alcohol or tobacco would.
It’s the behaviours around it that can cause the problems.
One day I just notice how pretty the color red is, that I haven’t got enough red things, the colour makes me smile. But it grows. Within a week I’m having to wear at least one item of red clothing every day – I can’t explain the fear that comes from not having something red to wear. It manifests in all ways – I choose to eat red food, get drawn to shops that have red in their logos or window displays, refuse lifts from friends and choose to walk two miles home because their car isn’t red. There was a time when every room in our house was painted red (thanks, mania)
I don’t mean to let it own me, control me. In some ways I can’t help it. Sometimes I can see the addiction swallowing me and I’m powerless to stop it. Sometimes I don’t know, don’t see it, until I’m so far into it that I can’t hide from it anymore.
It’s dangerous and it’s terrifying.
And it’s got me again. Right now I’m subcumming to addiction. I can see it, I know it… can’t stop it.
It’s not a physically dangerous addiction, emotionally I can already sense it’s going to tear me apart. It’s already dragging me away from ‘normal’ life, I’m choosing it over friends and family. I don’t know why it’s so important, why it’s started to overpower my every thought. But it is. I know that.
To be perfectly honest, as much as I can see it’s going to fuck me over, I’m too weak to stop it. I’m not convinced I want to stop it.
Not yet, just one more, eh?
RGW
*”Addicted” Simple Plan… thank you for the words
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