“Claustrophobic, closing in and I’m catastrophic, not again”*
This is a kind of rant of a post but also, I feel, a duty to all my fellow worries, phobics and general anxiety struggling people and a lesson to those selfish, ignorant members of society who continue to ignore us all – mainly it’s a lesson for those people.
I hate to fly. No ifs or buts and I won’t be convinced otherwise. I hate it.
Luckily I rarely fly; everywhere I like to go is easily accessible by car or train, occasionally boat. Sometimes though it’s beyond my control – like this weekend.
This weekend I had to fly, for work purposes. I would have preferred to make the time consuming drive but it was very last minute and I only had to be away one night so I had to fly.
I dread it. From the minute I know I have to do it I’m fucking terrified. Trapped, in that tiny space with all those people. People in front, people behind, people sitting so close and crammed in that they are touching you. The tiny little aisle, also full of people, and those ridiculous toilets.
On top of all that there’s the actual flying. The list of things that can go wrong is endless. I’ve thought of every single way you could possible die while flying, probably made up a few as well. They all seem very real and imminent whenever I have to fly.
So with shaking legs, watery eyes and a vice tight panicked grip on my boarding card, I reluctantly board the plane. The ever smiley cabin crew member greets me and asks if I require any assistance. I manage to shake my head and stumble to my seat.
It’s the window seat and the middle and aisle seats are already taken by a couple. After standing by them for a few seconds in silence they realise I’m the occupant of that empty seat. I move to the side so they can shuffle out without touching me (though he still manages to).
Immediately, I mean the second I’m in my seat, my seat belt is on. I turn to thank the couple for moving but they are staring at me like I’m eating a live puppy so I just swallow and turn away again.
It’s an agonisingly long time sat on the tarmac. Every single noise the plane makes has my heart doubling in pace. I try to breathe and close my eyes to drown it all out but it only intensifies everything.
Eventually we start to move, slowly rolling backwards, and I let out a little whimper. I instantly try and suck it back in but it’s out there, too late. I hear the woman whisper to her partner that she wishes she had swapped seats with him (she’s sat next to me).
I scrunch my eyes closed tighter and grip hold of the arm rests. The plane stops and I know we are at the start of the runway, we are waiting for clearance and I know what’s happening next.
As if my eyes are hard wired to the planes engineering, as soon as those engines kick in I start to cry. I’m not making any noise but I can feel the big, wet tears rolling down my face as I contemplate my fiery destruction that will surely occur in seconds. My breathing is far beyond anything resembling normal and I’m so deep into the arm rests you can barely see my fingernails. I should expect it since it happens every time I fly but it never gets easier.
The couple next to me continue to whisper about me as though my closed eyes mean I’m suddenly deaf… “What’s wrong with her?” “Don’t know but it’s a waste of a window seat if she isn’t gonna open her eyes.” “Yeah, I’d kill for the view, I love takeoff – the power, the speed… she’s an idiot missing it all… yep, that’s it we’re off the ground!” “Up, up and away!” “Shame I didn’t swap seats with her.”
Here’s the lesson, people:
If you ever find yourself on a plane and you think the person next to you might be a little afraid – you can probably tell this from the way their knuckles are turning white, their gasping shallow breaths are louder than the engine and they are crying more than someone watching Schindler’s List for the first time – please don’t be a total dick about it.
It would have taken absolutely nothing for one of them to lean over and just whisper “Are you ok?” It wouldn’t have cost them a penny to put a comforting hand on my arm or tell me not to worry.
But it would have meant the world me, it would have been worth more than any sum of money.
Instead they chose to judge, to ridicule, to be selfish when another human being was so obviously in need of some help.
Thanks humanity, thanks for nothing.
Try and be kind to each other, it’s really all we have.
RGW xx
*”Before I Forget” Slipknot… thank you for the words.
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